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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Safety first
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.