When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You Might Also Like
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
goldfish mafia
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.