Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
🤣😈🤣
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.