onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
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