ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Hit me in the face with a bird
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Mmmm canned fish.