I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.