My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early