I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Many hands make light work
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man