Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
A family that plays together cheats.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it