I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
A friend sent me this.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.