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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.