*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Just so funny
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?