Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Scream sneezers need love too.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My new favorite headline
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?