me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle