Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.