*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.