[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
You Might Also Like
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
no cat here
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.