[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Thinking about Jeff
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂