When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.