“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna