[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
this came to me in a vision
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”