“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”