Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
look at me when i’m typing to you
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!