idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.