I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime