Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I have so many questions.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?