Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Woke up against my better judgement again
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy