My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
shit just got real
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.