My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.