Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A sick whale is called an unwhale
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.