Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[shakes fist at other fist]
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.