5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes