I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.