*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?