The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting