Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar