I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?