Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Kids: Stay in school.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Cheers Twitter.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch