If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers