Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
#Caturday
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting