I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
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Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
12653.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.