Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Holy moly
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.