villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”