Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine