Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
me and who
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911