Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping