The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
#Caturday
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
What even happened today?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
never forget
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet