“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
english majors be like furthermore
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood