I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
<- sleeps well with others
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.