Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok